On Sunday, a few hours before the Emmys, I made a horrific discovery: my cable package does not include E!. Now, I never really watch E!, so that would explain why I went almost a month living here without discovering the problem. However, E! is essential viewing on exactly three occasions: the Emmys, the Oscars, and the Golden Globes. Why, you ask? Red carpet coverage, of course.
(Sidenote: it’s possible that E! may also be essential viewing when you’ve hit rock bottom in terms of productivity and, deep in the throes of procrastination, decide you absolutely must start keeping up with those damn Kardashians. But we’ll pretend that’s never happened).
Anyway. Since I didn’t get to see any of the red carpet stuff, and since I won’t get to see the Fashion Police recap show tonight, I thought I’d amuse myself by handing out my own red carpet awards
Best Dressed: My Top Three
I’m guessing two out of my three top looks aren’t ones that everyone would pick. But, I’m pretty sure everyone can get on board with Nina Dobrev – the color, the sculptural neckline, and the fantastic ruffled bottom.
Now, as for the other two. Next up, we have Heidi Klum. I just think this dress is really fun. Yes, the gigantic ruffle is a bit over the top, but it looks really fierce (yes, yes, Christian Siriano designed the dress and I couldn’t resist dropping in his signature catchphrase). Also, the muted color is really working for her.
And my final fave – Heather Morris. This look is strange in that I really love it, but I can’t quite put my finger on why. I think it’s because it’s pretty unique, but not so odd as to be unattractive. Also, I really love the color and her hair and makeup are fantastic.
The “Zzzzzzzzz” Award:
I always like what Kate Winslet wears, but at the same time…. Wait, hold on, I fell asleep for a quick second there. What was I going to say? Oh yeah, it’s always so boring! Yeah, you look good, but boringly so. Ramp it up a bit, Kate.
The “Why, God, why???” Award:
Gwyneth Paltrow is clearly beautiful, but her fashion choices are always so unfortunate. Evidence? Her Oscar-winning night (such an ill-fitting top!), her McQueen disaster (please wear a bra!), and her most recent Oscar dress (I know a lot of people loved this, but I cannot get on board). This outfit continues the trend. What’s with the crop top? Does she think she’s at, like, the VMAs? Also, this is sad because I like the color/pattern/overall shape of the dress, so if it had all been one piece, I might have really loved it.
The “Most Unflattering Dress on an Otherwise Awesome Human Being” Award:
I freaking love Amy Poehler. And she’s cute, so why is she wearing such an unattractive dress? Not flattering at all! I feel like she and Tina Fey both have this slightly awkward comedian thing going on, where they don’t want to look super girly-girly in dresses and instead opt for quirkier options. But this was just not the way to go. Plus, it’s kind of space alien-y, no?
The “Most Unwelcome Flashback to the ’80s” Award:
I just do not understand the trend with shoulder pads. Lea Michele, you are usually awesome on the red carpet (exhibit A, exhibit B, exhibit C), but I cannot get behind this look. Plus, didn’t Anne Hathaway already do shoulder pads earlier this year, and do them way better? Although, I have to say I did feel bad for Lea last night – wouldn’t it be hard to walk down the red carpet and pose without feeling a teeny bit self-conscious about this?
The “We Get It Already!” Award:
This one goes to Christina Hendricks. Oh, Christina, we get it: you are fabulous, and you have curves, and you love your curves. I’m completely on board with that (you are awesome!). But, ahem, your fabulousness is pretty much spilling out everywhere and making us all a little uncomfortable, k? Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
The “Best Dressed Significant Other” Award:
I loved Jennifer Westfeldt‘s look – I think it was really the color that I appreciated the most. I also loved the sparkly (but not too loud) belt and how flowy the dress was. Plus, she looks so happy! I mean, I would be too if I got to go home with Jon Hamm.
The “Please Try a Little Harder” Award:
At first glance, I thought I really loved Katie Holmes‘s outfit. Then I looked a little closer and decided it just wasn’t put-together enough for this occasion. The top part doesn’t fit very well; it’s baggy in the wrong places. And her hair? Kinda looks like she threw it up into a messy ponytail on her way to yoga class or something.
The “It Looks Like a Wrinkly Bedsheet” Award:
I generally love Dianna Agron‘s style. However, this is just…no. It’s a striking color, to be sure, but it does not fit her! And, doesn’t it kinda look like she grabbed a silk sheet, draped it around herself, and pinned it in a few places? I’m pretty sure that this is something my sister and I could have fashioned while playing dress-up back in the day.